Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Got Knockers?

One of many unpleasant images I associate with getting school lunches as a youngster is, the way they would portion out the food. They would get one of those 4 or 6 oz. ice cream scoops, plunge it into the pan, scrape it noisily on the side to pack and level the serving, and with a "crick" of the scoop, a half-sphere of the food (mashed potatoes, say) would be deposited on your Melamine tray. Only the diner could break this food formation with his or her fork. Yum.

And that's what some of these ladies' new knockers reminded me of, when I looked at photos of them on the plastic surgery clinic Web site: two scoops.

So my encounter this morning with Dr. Deacon (for he reminds me of a church deacon — still wearing his class ring, and everything!) did not surprise me much. I was cheered to see that his nurse had a few lines on her face, so to speak. But on the way to the examining room she asked me airily, "Did you ever wear a wig?" (Like, why aren't you wearing one now? Don't you care about how you look?!) I replied that indeed I had worn wigs from time to time, but now that it's 94 degrees every day I am going without. I am on chemotherapy and everyone needs to get over it. Yes, I really said that.

This office had much more of hotel spa atmosphere, and with spa robes to put on, to boot. Unfortunately, the robe was not on me very long. I spent the bulk of my appointment with Dr. Deacon with my top off, even when he was not illustrating on my body the procedure he would do. My notebook was out of reach for the majority of his stump speech to me. Bam, here's what ya get, lady. Dr. Deacon likes to do a procedure that involves rethreading your latissimus dorsi muscle through your armpit to create a breast mound, and he likes it at the time of mastectomy. I pretended I had never heard of anything he was telling me, and he did asked little of me (such as, "Are you with me? Do you understand?"). When I asked what I would do without my lat muscle anymore, he told me other muscles are there to help out, but I would not be able to reach all the way above my head and pull my arm down anymore (like in those lat exercises at the gym). Beauty. I truly began to feel nauseated at that point.

His office staff asked me on the way out if I wanted them to call Dr. Solemn so they can co-ordinate the surgery with him and I told them I am not making a decision about this today.

But my feeling has always been that I am fucking using my back muscles right now and they are not modular portions of my body. What's more, my left side is involved here, and that's another post altogether.


Kat said...

But I don't think that Barbie and friends can do lat moves, either. So why should we need to do them?

Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.

PS: the wig should be for the cancer-ee's comfort, not so that the rest of us aren't reminded of our humanity. . . IMHO.


Roseana Auten said...


Oh, Mary.