Compliantly Going to My Doom

I am being a compliant patient and I took my 20 mg of Decadron this morning because Taxol starts tomorrow …

It is a corticosteroid. I have to take it because it shrinks tissues. The new cancer drug I'm going to start, Taxol, is effective but can cause allergic reactions in some people. Decadron is making me feel awful. Jittery, headache, joint pain, pain in my glands. I took an Ativan but it did not help these symptoms.

Post-AC symptoms include great hunger/small appetite and that ear wax taste in my mouth all the time. Inability to use my power toothbrush comfortably. I had this need to prove to people that I'm not lying alone in a dark room, coughing up blood into a handkerchief. So I stayed up too late during SXSW and I feel run down. Trying to rely less on prescription sleep aids when I'm not in a chemo week, so I take my GABA+ and melatonin. Sleep occurs in small fits and is punctuated with strange dreams.

For instance, I have a recurring dream about flying. I dream that the airplane doesn't have seats in rows, it's more like a flying theater-in-the-round sometimes. Well, I dreamed the airplane was a grocery store produce section, and our seats were in the middle of that. The seats were church pews (arranged in the round) with lap belts, although one lucky flyer got a seat to himself on a kind of bishop's chair on a small pedestal. Fresh fruits and veggies and church, flying, what does it mean??

I am dreading the infusion tomorrow, I don't know how I will get through it if I feel this raunchy now and they have not even gotten their hands on me yet with the new drugs, which includes a different anti-emetic this time, more steroids, Benadryl (which I hate), and Tagamet.